Ep 128 - No Closure Required

You're waiting for an apology that's never coming. An explanation. A final conversation that ties everything up. And until you get it, you've told yourself you can't move forward.

Here's the problem: that's not how life works. Most chapters don't end neatly. People leave without explaining. Questions go unanswered. And if you wait for the closure that matches the Hollywood version, you'll be waiting forever—while your present gets consumed by an unfinished past.

Transcript

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As you go through life, there are many chapters. And while our human brains like being able to define the beginnings and ends of those chapters, the reality is that many still end-sentence. There's no explanation, no apology, and no final conversation. And a lot of the time it leaves you waiting for an ending that isn't coming. Hi, this is Jordiana, the CEO of the Recon Network and host of the In Brief podcast, and today we're talking about closure. Specifically, the belief that every chapter needs a satisfying ending before you're allowed to move forward. It's a comforting idea, but not necessarily a realistic one. And worse, it's also holding a lot of people in place. So today we're looking at what closure actually is, why life so rarely provides it, and what moving forward looks like without it. This is in brief. Let's get to it. But the reality is that we tend to look at a different part of the definition, the sense of resolution or conclusion. Closure is the ending that makes sense, the conversation that explains why the relationship ended, the acknowledgement that what happened to you was wrong, the apology, the answer, the moment where the loose thread gets tied and the chapter earns its final page. Whatever it is in the situation you're navigating, the desire for closure isn't about the resolution. It's about being able to move forward with that part behind you. That desire is completely understandable. Our minds are built for stories, and unfinished stories make our brains itch. Psychologists have a name for it, open loops, and they are the human equivalent of keeping tabs on your computer open instead of Xing them out. These open loops hold our attention in a way that finished ones don't, allowing the mind to keep returning to the unresolved thing and replaying it, looking for the ending. That means that even though the situation has passed, it continues holding space in our mental files simply because we didn't have the resolution that we expected or desired. Of course, from ten yards away, the answer is simple. Close it out, consider it done. But the problem with that is that your life doesn't often cooperate. People leave without explaining. Institutions don't apologize for how they wronged you, and the person who owes you, or worse, maybe you owe them, may be unwilling, unreachable, or gone. Worse, some questions genuinely have no answer. And it's not that it's a hidden one, it's that there's no answer to be given. So our minds plan life ahead, built on the promise of, I'll move forward once I get closure. But that means that your plan for personal progress and growth may be a plan whose critical step is assigned to someone else. And sometimes that someone else is never going to do the thing that you need or want them to do. See, waiting for closure hands the keys to your forward movement to the person or circumstance least likely to turn them. Your healing gets scheduled around someone else's willingness to explain themselves or pursue resolution themselves. And meanwhile, the chapter that you can't close is quietly deciding how much of your present you get to use. The tabs that you have are slowly stealing the memory and power off your human hard drive, and it's only a matter of time before you start getting error messages. Now, I don't want this topic to come across as cut and dry. The reality is that many times waiting for closure isn't us delaying the future or needing someone else to bend the knee. Sometimes waiting for closure is simply a way of holding on. As long as the tab stays open, the connection stays open. Needing an answer keeps the person or the situation or the old life in the room. That means that sometimes the need for closure isn't about answering a question. Sometimes it's a tether to something that we aren't ready to let go of. So we know we can't go through life with 597 tabs open, but waiting for closure isn't a viable option for forward movement either. So what do we do? Well, one thing that we can give it is a different definition. The version of closure that gets sold to us is something that you receive from someone else, an explanation. It works out great in rom-com movies, but it's not something you can rely on. So you need to flip to another version, one that's actually closer to a decision. It's choosing to stop requiring the ending as a condition for your own movement. Now I want you to notice that's very different from just pretending the resolution doesn't matter to you. This isn't a message to get over it. The loss is real, the question is legitimate, the ending you deserve is likely better than the one you will get. All of that still stands. But the decision to move on is narrower than people think. It's not that this didn't hurt. It's that this can remain unresolved and I can still move forward. Both halves of that sentence get to be true. But if you're in a place where closure is needed and not likely going to fall in your lap, there's one thing worth trying this week. Name the ending that you've been waiting for. Say it precisely. Whose words, what acknowledgement, and what answer? Define it as if it were the ideal response that you've been waiting for. Then ask one honest question about it. Is this ever actually coming? If the answer is no or almost certainly no, you've learned something important. The thing that you've been waiting on isn't ahead of you. It's behind you. And you're still allowed to move forward whether or not it ever catches up.

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Most transition programs assume you already know what you want. But if you don't, then what? At the Recon Network, we run free events year-round to meet you where you are. From our annual VET Summit to online workshops and even in-person local events, we provide real training, real conversations, and practical insights you can use the same day. With a goal to get you the tools you need to find direction and meaning now. So if you don't know what you want or where you want to go, no worries. There's no cost, no pressure. Just support when you need it. So find your next event at recon.bet and join us for something new.