Ep 117 - The Both/And Support System

Building new relationships after service can feel like betrayal—like you're leaving the people who really knew you behind. This episode tackles the guilt that comes with moving forward, the gap between the bonds you had in uniform and the connections you're building now, and why you don't have to choose between honoring your past and creating your future. We explore what community actually looks like outside the military, why it won't be a replica of what you had, and how to let new people in without feeling like you're erasing the people who were there when it mattered most. If you've been holding back from building civilian relationships because it feels disloyal, this conversation will help you see that community isn't either/or—it's both/and.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

We all know the value of strong relationships at every stage of our life, but have you ever felt like building new relationships meant betraying the people that you left behind? Hi, this is Jordana. I'm the CEO of the Recon Network and host of the InBroof Podcast, and today we're talking about one of the quietest struggles in transition, what to do with the brotherhood or sisterhood that you built in service, and how to honor what it meant without letting it keep you stuck. Here's how to build new relationships without feeling like you're replacing the old ones, and how to stop treating community like something you lost and start treating it like something that you're building toward. This is in brief. Let's get to it. There were a group of people who understood the job without explanation, and who you trusted in ways that you haven't trusted anyone probably since. You shared something that most people will never experience. And that bond, that sense of being part of something bigger than yourself, wasn't just nice to have. It was foundational to who you were and how you operated on a daily basis. And then you leave, and suddenly you're surrounded by people who don't really get it. They don't speak your language, and they don't understand why certain things matter. And no matter how good those people are, no matter how much they care about you, there's a gap. And that gap makes you feel alone in a way that's hard to explain. So here's the first thing I want to say clearly. You are not going to replace that. You're not going to find another group of people who understand you in that same way. And if you spend your time in civilian life looking for a replica of what you had back then, you're going to be disappointed. The bond you had in service was built in a context that doesn't exist anymore. It was shared risk, shared mission, shared identity. And you can't recreate that by joining a group or finding people with similar backgrounds. Outside of service, it's just different. But here's what you can do. You can build something new. Not better, not worse, just different. And that new thing doesn't erase what you had, but it expands what's possible from here. And this is where a lot of people get stuck because there's often strong emotional pull attached to this. Guilt. Guilt about moving on. Guilt about building relationships with people who don't get you the way others did. Guilt about the fact that your life is moving forward while some of the people you served with might still be stuck or struggling or even gone. That guilt can make you hold back. It makes you keep one foot in the past because letting go feels like betrayal. But the reality is that building a new community isn't betrayal. It's survival. You can't live your entire life in the rearview mirror, but you can honor what you had and you can keep those relationships alive and you can stay connected to the people who matter. But you also have to build forward. And building forward means letting new people in, even if they don't understand everything, and even if the bond isn't the same. So let's talk about what this new community actually looks like because it's not going to look like what you had. It's going to be more fragmented, more specific. You're going to have different people for different parts of your life. There's the people you work with, the people you share a hobby with, there's the people you talk about hard stuff with, and the people who make you laugh. And none of them individually are going to fill a role that your military community filled. But together they can build something that holds you and supports you as you move forward into a new stage. On the other hand, there's the need to stay connected to the people you served with because you should if you can. Those relationships matter. But the hard part is that not all of those relationships will survive. Some people will move on, some people will stay stuck, some people will drift. And you can't control that. What you can control is showing up, reaching out, checking in, not waiting for them to call first, and not assuming they're fine just because they're not saying otherwise. After all, staying connected doesn't mean staying the same. You can grow and change. And the people who really mattered, they'll still be there. And here's the thing: you don't have to pick between the people you served with and the people you're meeting now. You can have both. You can stay connected to your military community and build new relationships. You can honor what you had and still move forward. Both of those things can be true at the same time. And the people who really care about you will understand that. Here's the thing about building new relationships outside of the military, though. They're not going to understand everything. And that's okay. You don't need them to understand everything. You just need them to be willing to care. And most people, when they care about you, are capable of that. But you have to give them the chance. You have to let them in. And that means being honest about where you are, even when it feels risky. Now your nervous system is going to resist this. In civilian life, there's no vetting process, and sometimes the uncertainty of who you can trust and who you shouldn't makes your system want to close off. But if you wait for absolute certainty in any relationship, no matter where it was built, you'll never build anything. So you take small risks, share a little, see how they handle it. And over time, that will build trust. Not the instant life or death trust that you had in service, but a different kind, a quieter kind, the kind that's built through a hundred small moments of showing up for each other. This isn't about forcing yourself to be someone you're not or pretending your military experience doesn't matter. And it's definitely not about cutting ties with the people who were there for you, who will likely become some of the strongest relationships you ever forged. This is about recognizing that your life is bigger than any one chapter, and the community you build going forward can honor where you've been while also making space for where you're going. So here's what I want you to do. This week, reach out to one person from your military community. Just check in, ask how they're doing. Then reach out to one person in your civilian life who you've been meaning to connect with, but maybe you haven't. Suggest coffee or a quick call. Suggest anything that creates space for a real conversation. Know that building community going forward isn't either or, it's both and.

SPEAKER_00 6:49

Leaving the military can feel chaotic, especially when you feel you should have a plan right away. But not knowing what's next doesn't mean you're failing. It means you're in transition. At the Recon Network, we help veterans and military spouses navigate transition by focusing on stability, direction, and alignment before outcomes are expected, so you can map your future without rushing the wrong move or spending years building a life out of sync with your purpose. Don't rush your next step. Navigate it with intention with Recon. Learn more about our programs and services at recon.vet.