Ep 115 - What You Want

It sounds simple until someone actually asks you—and your brain just stops. This episode tackles why the question "What Do You Want" feels impossible, especially when you've spent years being told what to do instead of choosing for yourself. We dig into the "should" voice that drowns out what you actually want, why avoiding the question keeps you building a life that looks good on paper but doesn't feel like yours, and how to start answering it without needing the whole future figured out. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

It may seem like a simple question, but if someone asks you and you don't know how to answer, what does it really say? Hi, this is Jordana, the CEO of the Recon Network and host of the In Brief podcast, and today we're talking about one of the simplest questions you can face in transition and one of the hardest to answer. What do you want now? Not what you should want or what makes sense, not what other people expect, but what you actually want out of this next phase of life. We're going to talk about why that question feels impossible to answer, why avoiding it keeps you stuck, and how to start answering it even when you have no idea where to begin. This is in brief. Let's get to it. And someone says, So what do you want to do? And you go to answer. It's a simple question, right? But instead, your brain just stops. You freeze, you stumble, you give an answer that sounds reasonable but doesn't actually mean anything. Or you say, I don't know. And then if you're like a lot of people, you feel embarrassed about it. Like you should know, because everyone else knows. And maybe the fact that you don't know means something is broken in you. But here's the truth. Most people don't know what they want because for most of their adult life, no one has ever asked them what they wanted. They were told what to do or they followed the expectations that their life had laid out onto them. And they got very, very good at it. And nowhere is this more true than in the military where your path was laid out for you daily. Your job was assigned, and every next step was clear. Your career progression had a structure. Everything was defined by the system. And that system wasn't a bad thing. It freed you up to focus on execution instead of existential questions. It inherently gave you clarity and purpose. But it also meant you never had to practice asking yourself, well, what do I want? And then you leave service and suddenly no one is telling you what to do. No one is handing you the next mission. No one is defining what success looks like. And for the first time in a long time, you realize you don't have an answer for the question of what do you want? Not because you're broken, but because you're out of practice. The important thing to realize is the question isn't just hard for you to answer. In reality, most people struggle with it because the question itself is too big. What do you want? It's vague. It asks you to summarize your entire future in a single response. And your brain doesn't work that way. Your brain needs constraints, it needs context, it needs smaller questions that build toward a bigger one. And then there's the should problem. Because even when you start to get a sense of what you might want, the should voice kicks in, often sounding like the voice of a friend, a teacher, or a parent. You should want something practical. You should want something that makes sense. You should want something that uses your experience, that pays well, that other people will respect. And the more you listen to that voice, the further you get from what you actually want. Because what you should want and what you do want may be two completely different things. But avoiding the question isn't really an option either. When you just keep moving without ever stopping to figure out what you actually want, you end up taking paths that don't fit. Jobs that may make sense but drain you. You build a life that looks good on paper, but it doesn't feel like yours. And the reason for that is in not answering, you optimize for everything except the thing that actually matters, whether or not this is what you want. But here's the good news: you don't have to answer the question all at once. You don't have to know what you want to do with your life right now. You just have to know what you want right now, not forever, just for now. And now is a much smaller, much more answerable question. So let's break it down. Instead of asking, what do you want? Ask yourself a version of the question. Like, what do I want more of? What do I want less of? What made me feel alive in the last year? What kind of people do I want to be around? What kind of problems do I want to solve? Or what does a good day look like to me right now? Those questions are specific. They're concrete. And they don't require you to have your entire future figured out. They just require you to pay attention to what's true for you in this moment. Here's the other thing worth mentioning because so many people will streak right by it. You are allowed to want something impractical. You're allowed to want something that doesn't make sense to anyone else. You're allowed to want something that doesn't align with your background or your experience or what everyone expects from you. Because what you want doesn't have to justify itself. It just has to be true. And your nervous system is going to resist this question every single time because wanting something means risking disappointment. It means naming something that might not happen. And your system would rather keep you safe when there's no risk of failure than let you name something that you actually care about. So when you feel resistance to answering this question, it's not a sign that you're doing it wrong. It's a sign that you're actually getting close to something real. So here's how to start. Don't go big, go small. Don't ask, what do I want to do with my life? Ask, what do I want today? What do I want to accomplish this week? What do I want from this conversation? What do I want to feel like when I wake up tomorrow? Start with small questions because those answers are accessible. And once you start answering the small version of the question, the bigger version starts to come into the focus. And that's because figuring out what you want is practice, not a revelation. It's not something you sit down and figure out once. It's something you learn by paying attention to what pulls you forward and what pushes you away. So here's what I want you to do. This week, ask yourself one small version of the question every day. What do I want today? What do I want more of in my life? Write down the answer. Not the answer that makes sense, not the answer that you're worried that someone else might find and read. The true answer. Even if it's small, even if it feels selfish, even if you have no idea how to make it happen, just write it down. Because the act of naming what you want, even in small ways, starts to rebuild the muscle. It starts to train your brain to pay attention to your own preferences again. And over time, those small answers start to add up to something bigger. Not a perfect plan, not a finished picture, just a direction. And direction is really all you need to start moving. So the question, what do you want, isn't a test. It's not something you're supposed to have figured out already. It's an invitation to start paying attention, to start listening to yourself instead of just reacting to what's in front of you. To start building a life based on what actually fits you and not just what makes sense. You don't have to know what you want forever. You just have to know what you want now. And that is a question worth answering.

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Most transition programs assume you already know what you want. But if you don't, then what? At the Recon Network, we run free events year-round to meet you where you are. From our annual VET Summit to online workshops and even in-person local events, we provide real training, real conversations, and practical insights you can use the same day. With a goal to get you the tools you need to find direction and meaning now. So if you don't know what you want or where you want to go, don't worry. There's no cost, no pressure. Just support when you need it. So find your next event at recon.bet and join us for something new.