Ep 112 - Name it to Tame it

Sometimes good things happen and you can't feel them. Instead of excitement or relief, there's just heaviness—and you don't know why. This episode unpacks the grief that lives in transitions, even the ones you chose. We talk about why you can mourn something you're relieved to leave, what gets lost beyond the obvious markers like rank or title, and why unprocessed grief doesn't disappear—it just waits underneath everything you're trying to build. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

So many times we have something good happen and we can't feel it. Even worse, we can notice the good, and instead of feeling excited or happy, we feel heavy and we don't know why. Hi, this is Jordana, the CEO of the Recon Network and host of the In Brief podcast, and today we're talking about something that almost no one prepares you for grief in transition. Not the obvious kind, not the grief that comes from a significant tragedy or loss, but the quiet kind that shows up when you leave something behind, even when leaving was the right choice. We're going to talk about why grief exists in places where you don't expect it, why you can't skip over it, and how naming what you lost is the only way to actually move forward. This is in brief. Let's get to it. And logically, you know that it was time. You know that it was the right move. You may have even been the one who chose to leave proactively. But underneath all of that, there's something else, something heavy, something that sits in your chest and makes everything feel harder than it should. And because the thing that you left wasn't all bad, you don't have language for what you're feeling. So you ignore it. You push it down. You tell yourself to focus on the future and that you should be grateful. You may even give yourself a lecture about moving on. But that unnamed feeling does have a name. It's grief. And it's real. And it doesn't care whether the thing you lost was good or bad. It just cares that it's gone. And I hear you. You're saying grief? It's not that big a deal. But see, grief doesn't always show up when something terrible happens. Grief shows up whenever you lose something that mattered. And that includes things that were complicated. Sometimes that includes things that weren't working anymore or things you chose to walk away from. Things you assumed would bring you relief or comfort, and maybe they did a little, but both of those things can be true at the same time. You can grieve something that you're also relieved to leave. There's a lot that actually gets lost in transition, and it's not always obvious. Yes, you lose the structure, you lose the identity, the title, the role, the rank, but you also lose smaller things. Things that don't sound significant when you say them out loud, but that shaped your days in ways that you don't realize until they're gone. You lose the routine, predictability, the sense of knowing exactly what your day was going to look like before it started, the camaraderie, the people who understood the job or the joke without you having to explain it. You lose shared language, inside jokes, the shorthand that only worked in that specific context. You lose the version of yourself that existed in that space, the confident version, the competent version, the version who knew exactly who they were and what they were doing. And none of those losses sound like the thing that you're supposed to grieve, but they absolutely matter. And when they're gone, you absolutely feel it. It gets confusing because, like most people leaving the military, there's a good chance you didn't love every part of it. Some parts were probably hard, some parts were broken, and others you were genuinely glad to leave behind. So when grief shows up, it feels wrong. You think, why am I sad about this? It wasn't even that good. I wanted to leave or I chose to leave. But grief doesn't work that way. You can be relieved that something is over and still miss parts of it. You can be excited about what's next and still mourn what came before. It isn't about whether the thing you lost was perfect. It's about the fact that it was yours. So why does this matter? Why can't you just push through it and focus on moving forward? Well, because unprocessed grief doesn't disappear. It waits. It sits underneath everything you're trying to build and it makes everything harder. It shows up as exhaustion you can't explain, or as irritability that doesn't match the situation, as a flatness that makes everything feel muted, even when things should feel good. And the longer you ignore it, the heavier it gets because your nervous system knows something was lost. And until you acknowledge it, until you give it a name and let it exist, your system stays stuck in the loss. It can't move forward because it's still holding on to something that you won't let yourself admit is gone. Many of the men and women I talk with have a hard time with this type of grief, and it boils down to the tendency to not want to dwell on things, right? In service, it can be hard to sit with things and process them because the timeline keeps moving with or without you. So dwelling on things becomes a luxury that you just don't have. So instead of dwelling on something, let's talk about naming. Because naming what you lost is not the same as dwelling on it. It's not wallowing, it's clarity. When you name what you lost, when you say it out loud, even just to yourself, you give your brain permission to stop holding it in suspension. You let the loss be real. And once it's real, you can actually process it. You can let it move through you instead of staying stuck inside you. Now here's one way to do it. Make a list. Not a mental list, an actual list. Sit down and write, what did I lose? Not the big obvious things, the specific things, the routine you had, the people you saw every day, the sense of purpose that came from knowing your role mattered. And as you write, you'll notice something. Some of the things on the list don't make a lot of logical sense. Some of them feel contradictory. You might write down that you lost the pressure, but you also realize that you lost the adrenaline that came with it. You might note that you lost the structure and realize that that was part of what made you feel safe. All of that is okay. Grief is messy. It doesn't have to be logical. But back to your list. Once you've named the thing, here's what you do. Let it be true. Don't argue with it or try to talk yourself out of it. Don't tell yourself you shouldn't feel that way. Just let it sit there as it is. I lost this. And it mattered. And I'm allowed to feel that. And then ask yourself, what do I need to do with this? The question isn't how do I get rid of it? It's just, what does this loss need for me? More often than not, grief just needs acknowledgement and time. Sometimes it needs you to talk to someone who gets it. Sometimes it might need you to stop pretending it doesn't exist. But your nervous system doesn't move on from loss by ignoring it. It moves on by processing it. And processing doesn't mean fixing, it means letting the loss be real, feeling what it brings up, and then when your system is ready, letting it settle. You can't force that timeline, but you can stop blocking it. Here's the thing you might be missing. Grief and forward movement aren't opposites. You can grieve and build at the same time. See, grief doesn't keep you from moving forward. Unprocessed grief does. But when you name the loss and let yourself feel it, you create space. And that actually lets you engage with what comes next without dragging the unresolved weight of what came before. So if you're in a transition right now and you're feeling heavy in ways you can't explain, here's the permission you might need. You're allowed to grieve something you chose to leave. You're allowed to miss parts of something that wasn't working. You're allowed to feel sad about losing a version of yourself that doesn't fit your life anymore. None of that means you made the wrong choice. It just means the choice had a cost. And costs are real, even when the choice was right. Transition is not just about what you're moving toward. It's also about what you're leaving behind. And until you name what you left, you can't fully step into what comes next. Because part of you is still back there holding on to something that you never gave yourself permission to let go of. You don't have to forget what you lost. You just have to stop pretending it wasn't real. Name it, feel it, and then let it go to make room for what's next.

SPEAKER_00 8:51

But if you don't, then what? At the Recon Network, we run free events year-round to meet you where you are. From our annual VET Summit to online workshops and even in-person local events, we provide real training, real conversations, and practical insights you can use the same day. With a goal to get you the tools you need to find direction and meaning now. So if you don't know what you want or where you want to go, no worries. There's no cost, no pressure. Just support when you need it. So find your next event at recon.bet and join us for something new.